Nine

Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days.


I'm REALLY proud of myself for getting enough guts together to haul my behind down to Sligo for a visit. I don't know...I think this little rant Im about to embark on will prolie make sense to me, and other people living inside my head...Ill give it a go anyway...
I am shit scared of people...thats a pretty general thing. Im scared to a certain degree , of what they make of me...not think of me...but how they interpret me or understand me as. People are such complex things. You never know, no matter how truthful someone is, just what is going on inside that noggin of theirs...So I can be quite distant...or  seemingly mean...a little caustic...but I think its a defense mechanism...to try and keep unhurt...but I think Im starting to cop that pushing people away is a much worse pain then actually losing someone.  So, now that I know, Ill have to do something about myself...
And because these things are going round and round the garden of my head, I really had to psych myself up for any sort of solo human contact...Im so use to having Alex as my buffer...If I feel awkward, or socially retarded...she's there to make lite of my insanity and save the situation...or just keep the conversation ticking over...Im so bad with talking...see me now...Im fine. The words come easily, I barely have to think about it...but once theres another person...I get tongue tied...look like a fool, or like I dont know anything...so generally walls, corners and other rooms are good for me...being social without being social...I am such a mess...


So...Thats why Im so proud of myself for managing to keep myself together, until I got on the bus at least, while I was in Sligo. I have never hung out with Grace and Liudas...just the 3 of us. Alex is always around. So I have always thought of them as more her friends then mine...but after the last couple of days, I think that thats dissapating a good bit:) Which makes me feel happy, and a bit stronger inside myself.
I can travel to America on my own...but I feel like Im going to fall to pieces when faced with people...
There is something so wrong with that...