Friday, June 26, 2009

(There are plenty of things i want to say but dont
things you dont know, and wont.
I feel it is a safer place for me to be
instead of you knowing me, internally.
I am being stong, but not too hard,
Im going to keep a happy face.
This time deap breaths will calm me down,
Ill escape and vanish into this familiar place.)

I made a checklist last night, which amused me, because i figured the amount of time it took me to compile the thing, i could have completed most of what was on the list...
I am quite nervous about today, tomorro and sunday.
i dont really know what to expect, and that is what is troubling.
the last time i was there, alex brought me, we sat in the car in the parking lot for a few minutes, didnt even get out...and i just cried.
i dont know why, maybe because it is so beautiful, and so loaded with a mixture of sad and happy memories.
but the time before that, i felt absolutely nothing for the place,no emotion.
it was like it had changed, a very strange feeling had decended on the place, and took me by surprise.
so now, i dont know. i dont know how i am going to react with actually walking where i walked before, going through the halls and dorms and classrooms (if they let us into the school that is)
im expecting flashbacks, as im suffering from them already...and tears, probably.

i have a heavyness in my chest, and my throat feels full of tears already
i was so emotional in that place, that i feel it did drain me of most of going back, will i find them there? are they waiting for me.

it is amazing, these chapters in our lives, that are always so distant, until you read them, walk through their paths again...

i know i will be a little unsteady for the next few days, so i apologise in advance.
it is often unsettling, when you dine and walk with ghosts.

No comments: