(There are plenty of things i want to say but dont
things you dont know, and wont.
I feel it is a safer place for me to be
instead of you knowing me, internally.
I am being stong, but not too hard,
Im going to keep a happy face.
This time deap breaths will calm me down,
Ill escape and vanish into this familiar place.)



I made a checklist last night, which amused me, because i figured the amount of time it took me to compile the thing, i could have completed most of what was on the list...
I am quite nervous about today, tomorro and sunday.
i dont really know what to expect, and that is what is troubling.
the last time i was there, alex brought me, we sat in the car in the parking lot for a few minutes, didnt even get out...and i just cried.
i dont know why, maybe because it is so beautiful, and so loaded with a mixture of sad and happy memories.
but the time before that, i felt absolutely nothing for the place,no emotion.
it was like it had changed, a very strange feeling had decended on the place, and took me by surprise.
so now, i dont know. i dont know how i am going to react with actually walking where i walked before, going through the halls and dorms and classrooms (if they let us into the school that is)
im expecting flashbacks, as im suffering from them already...and tears, probably.

i have a heavyness in my chest, and my throat feels full of tears already
i was so emotional in that place, that i feel it did drain me of most of them...so going back, will i find them there? are they waiting for me.

it is amazing, these chapters in our lives, that are always so distant, until you read them, walk through their paths again...

i know i will be a little unsteady for the next few days, so i apologise in advance.
it is often unsettling, when you dine and walk with ghosts.

a little bit anxious

i am feeling a little bit sick at the moment because, well...im scared
and being scared is a good thing
if your not scared, then your not paying attention to what is happening around you

the kylemore reunion is this friday, saturday and sunday...and yes, im brickin it at the moment.
i will be thrown together with, quite a few people i havent seen, or talked to, for 4 years.
im sort of hoping no one will recognise me, so i wont have to talk...
aahh
why do i do this to myself?!
i know il be fine, once i get there. i will be fine

social interaction is not my forte, and im also pretty crap at spelling too...
but i would regret not going,so, i have to.
i cant back out and it so close to it.

on the plus side, were going to london in a month, and the boy is so excited, hes in a good mood all the time...i cant get over it :)

i have also realised that i cant update my blog with images from home, ill have to do it from alex's house...damn this stoneage internet connection...

:rolls eyes and sighs:

dancing trees, dodging bees

musli with lots and lots of fruit

the little trees were dancing with such glee and vigor yesterday, that there stillness startled me this morning. i sensed them moving within themselves, in the broken sun, their presence streathened my heartstrings. i turned away from them, throwing the rest of my tea in the grass, filled with air and energy for the day.

i was told sternly over breakfast this morning that i need to learn how to say no, that if im working, i should just make them aware, so that they wont disturb me...
i this its sweet that my parents consider what i do 'work'
they dont experience me working during the year, as im in college, so i would understand, if they werent so accomodating of my long hours in my room, with periodic tea breaks and stroles around the garden, and walks with the dogs...i would forgive them if they just assumed that i was doing nothing...
but they dont. they somehow understand that i actually work, quite hard, and that i take myself very seriously...
they are so good!

she has an artistic temperment, and dad...well, he just aims to please i think
but art for arts sake
they should change it to
'art for the artists sake'
because, really that is what it boils down for most of the time.

some treasures

today, i decided to wear something pretty, which always brightens my mood, sit at my desk, paint and day dream about laburnum trees and lilac trees...hopefully dad will plant some soon.


daddy's lupins

ive been painting a lovely white horse all day, and im very happy with him...
tomorro, im moving on to eisirt, which will be interesting!

closing colours

i will put the finished painting up as soon as they are finished, but it is going smoothly, very smoothly

home

This is the boy dress up as a fairy, one of the last days we were in galway... one of the rare occasions my camera didnt break when he was infront of it...or he didnt run away screaming when i produced it...

Being at home is fab-u-lo-so...im really liking the quiet, and the green, and the animals, and the certain amount of independence i have, eventho im pretty much house bound.
but i refuse to get a car...
so thats that.

Im working on something at the minute which i feel really good about and im really excited about it. its getting me up in the morning, so that has to be a major plus.
ive been searching the net for summer camps, or kids arts groups, but there doesnt seem to be anything local, and even if there was, theyve prolie cut back on all of those things now. So ill have to be enterprising this summer!

I have a piece in the ballybane library at the moment, when i get pics of that i will most definately put them up :)

The 4th year GMIT exhibition is on at the moment, so i must call down to see that before its over.

Im feeling positive about the summer, full moon tonight, also excited about that! im all set up at home and settled, and feeling positive about the next couple of months. im also feeling alot more energised, i think i was running on empty for awhile.

now i think its time for some tea?!